christmas & new years eating tips

I got this in an email and I completely approve of this message:

CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEARS EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

♥berlin™

lexicunt

new favourite word (at least for now):

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lexicunt

♥berlin™

when children are quiet...they are not necessairly sleeping

When the phone rang at 9:30pm there was a lot of background noise going on upstairs in my house. The TV in my bedroom was on, the kids' TV was blaring, kids were talking/playing... So I figured I'd make the best of it and head downstairs so that I'd be able to hear the person on the other end of the phone seeing as the phone call was important.

I made my way downstairs without a child attached to my leg. I tuned the noise out so I could consenstrate on the conversation and eventually the noise died down. I ASSUMED the children fell asleep. Never assume. Never.

When I came upstairs an hour later... I was greeted by my darling boy handing me an empty tube of hydrocortisone cream saying "I'm sorry Mommy. Sorry Mommy. Sorry." Oh god. Not again. He seems to have a fetish for lotions, even as young as 1 1/2 he was obsessed. He's stripped down to his boxer briefs and yet I don't see a spot of white on him. Odd. I glance over at Gabi who should be asleep in her crib. Quite the opposite. There she stands grinning at me, yelling hi!, completely N-A-K-E-D. Great - now I can't even put the footie pajamas on her because apparently she can unzip them. I knew she could pull sweat pants off and get her diaper off. The girl is becoming a nudist! Still, no lotion anywhere. What the... ?? I don't understand, the tube of hydrocortisone is gone, he shows me another tube of lotion that's pretty much empty {thank you Mary Kay satin hands that didn't work worth a damn} and just continues to say sorry. Impressing myself, I didn't even yell. I just tucked Caleb back in bed, grabbed Gabi, re-diapered her and dressed her and tucked her back in.

I turn around to re-start Robots for the kids and I instantly realize why he won't stop saying sorry. The lotion and the steroid cream have been emptied on the kids' TV, dresser, and floor. Yuck. I do the best I can with what is up here {I see a load of laundry needing to be done in my near future} and decide to finish cleaning it tomorrow. GiGi is finally asleep, however, Caleb is awake, now lying in my bed watching Robots. I'm just thankful that she was dry when she was undressed. At least I think she was... I still have yet to figure out where she put her diaper when she took it off...

♥berlin™

work

While showing new pictures of the kids to a co-worker:

Mom: Inter-racial dating?? Amber who is that black guy with you??

Me: Mom. That's an ad. That's not a picture of me with a smart ass caption.

Mom: Oh.

♥berlin™

R.I.P.

I dropped the baklava.

'nuff said.

♥berlin™

when broadcasting your services

Attempting at being efficient and using my time wisely today, I decided to go to CVS on my lunch break to drop off film that I needed developed and browse the Christmas aisles to do some stocking shopping. Wrong answer.



I swear the photo processing lady is out to get me. Maybe it's just because she's sad about her own life when she looks at how glorious everybody else's memories are. Maybe she's just constipated. Maybe she's just a bitch. The last time I went to develop pictures over my lunch break, I inquired about transferring pictures from a digital camera to a cd since I didn't want to print out 300+ pictures (silly me). My darling friend told me it would take me about 20-30 minutes and I needed to stand there at the machine and wait while my photos copied. 20 minutes, fine. 30 minutes, I can handle it. 45 minutes and only 1/4 of the way finished?!?!?! Forget it. So she acted like she was Mother Theresa saving the world and doing me a favor by letting me pick them up at the end of the day when I explained that I work in a doctor's office, we're short staffed, and we're seeing patients in the next ten minutes. Better freakin let me come back for them... I hope someone at your doctor's office tells you one day "I'm sorry, you'll have to wait for your appointment. Our receptionist/nurse/doctor is standing at CVS because they need to watch the machine as it copies their pictures."



Fast forward back to current day:

I wait patiently in line to get an envelope to drop my film in for the in-store processing {ya know the ONE HOUR photo processing} with absolutely no intention of picking my film up until after 4pm seeing as my lunch break is 30 minutes and it takes ONE HOUR. A girl not at the photo counter says "Ma'am I can help you over here". Apparently no more envelopes. They put the information in the register and a claim ticket {ohh are they holding my coat for me?} prints out. She asks if it is for the one hour processing. Little lady in the white coat whips her head around {I think it spun around once too, I may have been hallucinating though} and snaps "DON'T tell them one hour. It's going to be longer than that." So much for manners. "It is ONE HOUR film processing, correct?" I ask. "Yes, but I am behind.", she replied. "So do you compensate for not being able to produce the film in one hour?"I ask. "No," was all I got back. I turned my attention back to the pleasant girl helping me and I said "well gee, I guess it was a good thing that I wasn't coming back until after {turn of the head to the little lady in the white coat} FOUR PM. It's amazing the manners that some people have." Maybe they could learn to say "I'm sorry, I'm a little behind. Would you be able to pick them up later?" Jackass.

Moral:
When advertising that you are a ONE HOUR film processing center either a) buck up and produce or b) smile politely and kiss the customer's ass

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by ME!



♥berlin™

killing of the trees

Oh Christmas tree... you all look the same to me. I must say going for a tree this year was an experience. While I've been bitching about putting up the faux tree for the past 3 years that I've had the tree... I never imagined I'd be going along to actually CUT down a tree. I envision Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation where the tree he picks out is twice as high as the living room and so wide it breaks out the windows. We arrived at Bob White tree farm and I thought to myself, Oh my god! We made a wrong turn and we're at a redneck farm for mud wrestling! As I drove up the incline of the hill to park my car in the pit, we stop. In the mud. Hey Jackass! Get off my bumper! I love when people don't think that "hey, maaaybe the car in front of me *isn't* automatic and just *might* roll backwards into me. Ha ha. Lucky for him I managed to not slide. I may have flung a little mud onto passers-by while spinning my tires to avoid an insurance claim but isn't that their fault for walking near a moving vehicle in the mud? I think so. Of course I couldn't be wearing crappy old shoes today. No, that would have been sensible. I have on my black knee high furry Report boots because it's cooooold outside. And GiGi, of course, needs to be carried. She's wearing like new Timberlands. Oh no, they will not get muddy.
While hiking the 8 miles {ok it's not that far but it was a lot of mud to walk through} to the trees, Darrell comments, "I hope those aren't good boots," with a snicker. "Well they aren't now," I replied. I start to walk up to the forest to look at the tree selection when reality hits me in the face. I must get a "tree cart" and a SAW to take with me. Right, the tree won't hop out of the ground on it's own. I walk. And I walk. And I walk {meanwhile being poked by every other tree and yelling at GiGi to "come here!"}. Damnit, they are all starting to look the same. Didn't I just see one over there that I liked a few minutes ago? And oh god. GiGi's nose is running. Nobody has a tissue. Ewwwww my sleeve. {These are the Mommy moments I will treasure}. I decided on a blue spruce at first. My reasoning: it's very prickly and hence, the children and dog will stay away because it hurts to touch it. Secondly, I love the color. Unfortunately for me, I'm either not happy with the shape or the color {some were 2 tone} or both. Then I walk past a douglas fir. Mmmmm there's that Christmas smell. That's it! I look no further. It's cute. Nice full shape, just the right height, and smells great {who knew I came in tree form}. I think Darrell takes pity on me {ok maybe he's just a nice guy} and cuts down the tree.
Then we hike back down the hill to pay for the tree. I had no cash on me before we went so Lori & Darrell offered to pay for my tree until I could tap the ATM. Darrell told me last year the trees cost around $25. Not bad, I thought, that's how much it costs to stop in town and buy a tree. "That'll be $70 sir." $70? $70?!?! For 2 freaking trees?!?! That we cut down ourselves??? What the... Shit. I've been ripped off. I paid $35 for a tree that I ruined boots for and cut down. And I still have to pull that wagon all the way to the car {through the mud}, take the cart back {through the mud}, and walk back to the car {you guessed it, through the mud}. So much for the Christmas experience. I'm sure it's great for some people. I just don't think I'm "some people".
Next year I'll pay my $25 to stand and point and say "I want that one" and have someone get it ready and put it on my car for me. Or if I'm desperate - I'll go back to the faux.
For the effort and $$ involved, this thing better last two years.

♥berlin™

NEWS FLASH!

Alcohol, lorazepam, and caffeine DO NOT mix well. Please refrain from trying.

This has been an important public service announcement provided by ME!

♥Berlin™

either it's the wine or i'm still learning...

please note - the below post was completed at 7:09pm on 12/09/2008. I managed to get my signature saved on the 7th and had done nothing with it since then. Please hang in there with me...my mommy says I'm special too!


♥berlin™

Toss up between AbFab & Christmas

Ahhh yes, a new blog. I'm starting it out in the best of ways - drinking an obnoxiously large glass of wine and watching AbFab. Can life be any better??

Christmas is quickly approaching us {hooray!} and I'm soooo far from being ready it's not even funny. I'm not sure what orifice I'll be pulling the green papers from to buy presents but I'm thinking that no matter what, it'll hurt. I've also vowed that if I need to put up a faux tree YET AGAIN, I'm buying the black one from Target. While searching Target.com for the tree my dreams have been crushed! It is $399.99. The upside to this is that it has FREE standard shipping {way to go guys}. But look at these stats! I can so justify it {in my dreams}:

57" wide base
1024 tips
500 clear plug-ins

Sounds like some kind of kinky sex toy. And to top it off - it's a cashmere tree!!! For that price I better be able to wrap my naked body in it and wear it to work. It cannot be gift wrapped. That's it! Not buying it {ok I wasn't really anyway....oh woe is me}. So back to the quest for a tree. Donna is helping me look.

Donna: (6:51:40 PM): ok - i found this ad on freecycle that a church is
giving away FREE LIVE TREES, but had to reply for more info..............will
let you know - my luck it's in the state of Washington or something lol

LysInTheShadows (6:54:12 PM): i think some center city allentown church did that
last year

LysInTheShadows (6:54:38 PM): you probably have to be willing to go in the line of
fire or own a bullet proof vest to pick it up.

Take the above conversation as Berlin is *not* traveling into the ghettos to get a christmas tree. I will make Eli stand in a corner and we'll decorate him instead!

So the quest continues... in the mean time - back to AbFab & wine.


♥berlin™